blessed be...

Today, as I skipped by and glanced in my mailbox I spotted a letter just for me from one of my soul mates. Nothing feels better than a word or two from someone I love. And when it comes written and delivered by hand it's all the better. I slipped it in my pocket, next to my heart, so that I could open it and read it at the height of my relaxing walk. As I strolled through the park, hot cocoa in one hand, the letter in the other, I was brought to tears by the beauty (in it's words and timely appearance in my life) of this blessing:

For Longing

Blessed be the longing that brought you here
And quickens your soul with wonder.
May you have the courage to listen to the voice of desire
That disturbs you when you have settled for something safe.
May you have the wisdom to enter generously into your own unease
To discover the new direction your longing want you to take.
May the forms of your belonging - in love, creativity, and friendship -
Be equal to the grandeur and the call of your soul.
May the one you long for long for you.
May your dreams gradually reveal the destination of your desire.
May a secret Providence guide your thought and nurture your feeling.
May your mind inhabit your life with the sureness with which your body inhabits the world.
May your heart never be haunted by ghost-structures of old damage.
May you come to accept your longing as divine urgency.
May you know the urgency with which God longs for you.

~John O'Donohue
To Bless the Space Between Us
© John O’Donohue. All rights reserved

It's a blessing I wish you as well.

Thank you, my Allie.

I build each one of my days out of hope

and I give that hope your name

music by ani
photos by muah

Hometown Holiday

1. Love tree @ SL Mormon Temple, 2. School Buses @ Mystic Hot Springs, 3. Walk in Aurora 4. Ski Lift shot with Moose

I am back in Germany and made it here with relative ease.  My baggage dematerialized somewhere between Paris and Düsseldorf only to show up again later.  So rather than having to schlep through the airport, train stations, and home with my gargantuan rucksack, I was able to ease-fully make my way and have it delivered to me the following day with no hassle at all.

Slowly I am finding my way back to normalcy and routine, something that is rather refreshing for this little Taurus.  The three weeks in my hometown were a whirlwind.  Both too long in ways to be away from "normal" life and too short to spend the amount and quality time I would have liked with everyone.  My first week was so packed with events, I don't feel like I was ever fully grounded as I flitted from place to place.  It was lovely to see people and only wish that I had been a little more present.

Aside from the utter and pure joy I felt in seeing family and friends, there were so many other reasons the trip was perfect for me.  It turned out to be about, not just connection, but expectations, intention, and perspective.  I redefined some friendships and was able to put out feelers on where I stand with people.  Reconnecting, I was able to let go of the expectation of what my long distance friendships "should" look like.  It was nice to just BE.  I was reunited with people from my more distant past and even made a potential new friend or two.  All-in-all, not bad for a girl who has always considered herself shy.

A few days were spent at my dad's house in, pretty much, the middle of nowhere.  A few years ago that is something I probably would not have done and I was happy on this trip to have the ability to let go of my previous expectations of what our relationship or what he "should" be.  I feel excited to be able to move on and create something different in the future.  (are we seeing a theme here yet, people?)  Him living in a small town helped me to ground myself after a near two weeks of constant running around.  I got to roam in the snow and sit in the hot springs.  More on that later.  :)

The last BIG thing that I got from my trip was perspective on my life here in Germany.  I have often, when feeling homesick, kept Utah and my life there on a pedestal, forgetting what an amazing adventure I have taken on.  It's a bit like I have hit reset on all of this and I get to come back with a clean slate.  I get to live the life I really want and that feels thrilling.  A majority of my time on the plane, aside from bits of sleep, was spent reflecting and intention setting for the next year and I feel excited for what shape my life will be taking on.

I hope to share a few stories and photos in the coming days.

Adventskalender

I know I am supposed to be counting down to Christmas, but this year I have decided to use my advent calendar to countdown to when I get to go home for Christmas. So guess what... I get to start tomorrow! Just twenty five days before I get to board a plane and see the place and people I so love and miss. This will be the first time I am in Salt Lake as a visitor rather than resident. It's all so very strange and exciting.

This year my advent calendar is an assortment of teas. One tea for each day. There's Winter Night, Green Luck, Ginger Energy, and Good Mood to name a few. What a comforting way to countdown....

What are you looking forward to?

Proof that I have been ohsoverynice.

In less than three months I am flying back to Salt Lake for a three week visit. I am (overly?) excited for a great number of reasons, the most obvious being that I get to hang with my family and friends. During the holidays, no less. There are numerous other reasons to get excited which results in me making lists.... stuff I want to do, see, make, and who I want to experience these things with. I also have my christmas stocking wish list. That's right. And one of the top items on the list, without me having so much as whispered it in my mom's presence, was sent to me today. Burt's Bees lipbalm! And in three different varieties. It's my absolute favorite and is sold nowhere here, that I have found. Thanks mom for the most perfect gift. Now I get to make a few more cozies. Geekery at it's finest, people. See, dear readers, it is really the small things in life that just make me swoon.

Oh! And on a related note: Cheddar Cheese! I think I drove my family batty on our vacation as all I could talk about when we got to the supermarket was cheddar cheese. Was it on our list? How big of a block did you get? Will that be enough? And then I proceeded to make a cheese sandwich each day. It's not that the cheese here isn't good... it's just, well, boring. I love cheese that's sharp and has a distinction about it. Enough of this sissy Edamer, Gouda, and Butterkase. Blech. So today I was browsing the isles of a seldom visited super store and found aged cheddar. Woot.

And one last, and only barely related note. For a bit of time wasting go play this silly game: Cheese or Font. Can you tell the difference?

We partied like it was 1999

{Senior Prom...that would be me in the purple dress I LOVED}

Saturday was my ten year high school reunion which I sadly missed on account of the thousands of miles between where I live and where I graduated.  I felt bummed about it. That's right, I said bummed.  Though my high school experience wasn't perfect, it was far from the horror stories that are often told.  I detached myself from all things High School, however, right after graduation and have felt rather nostalgic in the last few years to reconnect with old friends.  Facebook has been a saving grace for that, but a reunion?  So much better.  I have posted a few of the pictures I actually have from those teen years.  If you're interested go ahead and continue reading. Click on any photo for a larger view.

{With two of my closest friends in 10th Grade, before a parade with my brothers Pipe Band}

{New Years with Eve, of my London trip fame, and my favorite boys}

{One of the few evenings where my friends and I did typical teenage girl things... doing teen magazine quizzes}

{Anyone remember what those nose strips were called that I am so proudly modeling?}

{Our dance company being rather controversial for the yearbook.  We were forced to retake a photo clothed, but regarded ourselves as quite badass from that day forward}

{Pretending to be pregnant to prevent a friend from going away. It didn't work}

{Eve and I liked making cakes. Dance cakes. Math cakes. Carnivorous worm cakes}

{My friend Tom with some of the first Germans I ever met}

Happy New Year!

At least, that is what it feels like to me.  The happy face means a visa has been renewed, an adventure lengthened. I went into the foreign office on Friday thinking I had everything I needed only to find out, after waiting around for two hours, that I needed income verification for the previous three months. I cried a little. That's right. For whatever reason the renewal process, though painless in reality, stressed me out.  I was very much looking forward to just being done with it already, so whenI found out I had to wait until Monday to continue I just sort of lost it. Well, I waited until I got home, then I lost it.  I then spent a good deal of the weekend filling my time with some sort of activity to take my mind off the nervousness I was feeling.  I couldn't sleep.  By the time Monday rolled around I was exhausted.

Waiting in the morning to talk with the officer my legs were visibly shaking.  Luckily, I had brought along some crochet to help distract me and ease my mind.  A few hours and just 30 Euro later I walked out with a new visa.  Phew!  They were super friendly and helpful, extending my time until September 2010.  I don't plan on being here until then, but I love that I have that option.


I feel very relieved to have it all done and over with. It acts as a marker, a very obvious marker of the time that has passed. It has been only in the last two months that I have really realized that, hello, I live in Europe. The last year has been fabulous, but I don't believe I have taken advantage of my position to the fullest. With a new visa I feel like I am being extended the opportunity to do this thing "right". Rather, the way I really want too (though the idea makes me terrified). So, why wait for January to roll around? Here are a few of resolutions:

• Putting myself out there and making an effort to make friends.
• DANCE.
  
• Learning some traditional German cooking and baking.
  
• Getting outdoors and exploring the area even more.
  
• Continue improving my language skills.

Those are some general goals. Some more specific goals:

• Go to a Bundesliga Football game
  
• Spend a weekend in Amsterdam
• Give "Radler" a chance someday (beer+Sprite)

And, I want to thank you all, dear family and friends, for supporting me on my journey.  This was a hard decision for me to make and even harder to execute.  Huge lessons are being learned. I wouldn't be here, though, without the HUGE LOVE from all of you. Thank you. 

Bragging Rights

(I'm pointing to my AWESOME grade I received)

Ich habe meine Prufung bestanden und habe ein Eins gekriegt!!!



I met with my German teacher and everyone from my course today at an ice cream parlor to receive my certificate stating that the German government officially recognizes I can speak german. That means...I passed my test with a '1' (which is equivalent to an 'A'). I had perfect scores in my writing and speaking tests and lost a few points in the grammatical section. I couldn't be prouder of the result. And after all the stress I gave myself over thinking I couldn't learn well.

What does this certificate actually mean? Well, I am still trying to figure that out. Should I decide to study or do any kind of Ausbildung (internship/training) then having this piece of paper makes that easier. As far as it helping me get another kind of job, I have yet to figure that out. But it does mean that the one goal I set out to do in my move, learn German, has been accomplished. At least I can communicate everyday without much struggle and I have now proved to myself that I can do it.  And that, dear ones, feels pretty awesome.

It is rather interesting, though, that the day I receive official documentation of "mission accomplished" so to speak is the day I say goodbye to Ryan.  He leaves tonight for Frankfurt then flies out early for Chicago.  Details are not something I want to go into, nor do I think it is necessarily fair.  But I will say that I am feeling sad to see him leave Germany.  Coming here was something we did together and, while this move was something I wanted to do for a long time, having him there as a support and companion made the final decision easier to make.  So Ryan, if you do read this, thank you for all you have been to me.  For loving me, cheering me on and laughing along the way.  I hope your life continues to be adventurous and daring, thank you for sharing part of it with me.

be do have

A mantra I constantly return to. One forgotten then remembered over and again. In the times I feel most removed and unbalanced it is this mantra that brings me back to center and rights me on my path. It has a lot of power in its simplicity. I think it is fair to say, however, that people often operate with these same words in mind, though in the opposite order. That is to say, if they have _________ then they can finally do _____________. What naturally follows, of course (!), is that they will finally be _________. But when I take a moment to pause be all the things I want to see in the world there is energy suddenly freed from worry and fret.  I am able to do and create more easefully then, much more naturally, I realize I have all I could want.

I love that it is this mantra that I came back to today, after weeks of imbalance, only to open a monthly newsletter from a friend with the heading, "Just Be It."  I laughed out loud and smiled at how perfectly, well, perfect things happen sometimes and was reminded that when I am centered I will always be exactly where I am supposed to be.  When I stop and ask myself what I want or need, I always thrive when I listen to the answer that comes from my gut.  I translate that over to not just career or relationship choices, but also to how and what I want to design or create next, what to put in my stomach, or where my bed should be in my room.  It is all connected.  And that grounded-ness allows me to create, love, and share in bigger and better ways than before.  It's more grounded, authentic, organic and loved.  Because in the end it's all about spreading the goodness and warmth around.  Whether it be through objects that I create or simply my knowledge, sharing is what creates the most comfort and joy in my life.

Grace in Small Things 1/365

Much of this week was spent in bed recovering from various nastiness. I took the opportunity of time, however, and started reaching out and actively promoting myself a bit more which led me to Schmutzie, creator of an online community, The Grace in Small Things. The goal: share five bits of grace daily.  Why?  I believe there are far less productive ways to spend your time and use your energy. And I could use a bit of optimism in my life.

I will start posting here, though in the future I will likely post only on the GIST site. If you want to take the pledge of grace, visit and sign up. So, here goes day one.



1. The excitement of something new.

2. A clean house after weeks of illness.

3. Sunshine, tshirts, and an open window.

4. Making a pretty mix cd.

5. Having the chance to talk to my mom over thousands of miles.

Music Therapy

So for the last two weeks I have been looking forward to a show by one of my favorite bands, Fujiya & Miyagi.  My plans were thwarted this morning when my stomach took revenge on me for who knows what.  I will spare most details but let us just say that my face is now covered in red "freckles" from some burst capillaries caused by the pressure my face was under in the bathroom.  

I began to feel better towards the end of the evening and, going against all advice that would be given to me by mothers, grandmothers, and health care providers, I ventured out.  Why?  Because I just really didn't want to miss this show.  Because I have been wanting to see them live... forever.  And because, sometimes, you just gotta dance.  I went cautiously and survived to tell the tale.  Hooray for live music!!!

The show pretty much rocked, though what I originally planned on being a larger group turned into me along with my roommate and her face sucking boyfriend.  Where are her burst capillaries?

As the last tune they played one of my favorites, Collarbone, which I will continue to feature in the sidebar for a few more days. ------------>

Off to sleep and recover.  I am grateful to my body for behaving tonight so that I could carry out my plans.