tearful face and wide open heart....

This is a prettier and more presentable version of me after reading a quick email update from my friend/former employer/mother to the little boy in my heart.  In it she revealed that Gabe was looking at photos of Ryan and I and then requested that we hold him.  I am typing this between gasps for air, wiping away of tears, and taking care of the nose.  
Dear Gabe, 

I love and miss you dearly.  You have are one of my greatest teachers and greatest friends and  I love you simply for existing.  I adore your inquisitiveness, creativity, playfulness, and sweet, sweet nature.  My life is infinitely fuller and I am wiser for having known you.  Because of our friendship I have the ability to love bigger and more honestly than ever before.   As I write this now I am holding you in my arms and giving you a big squeeeeeze and each afternoon I ache to steal away just one cuddly nap.  

Love, 
Manda

drumroll please.....

Justin, my brother for those of you that don't know, has been playing the bagpipes for the past 12 or so years. We are still unsure where he got the idea to start at the age of ten, but it turned out to be a huge part of him. He was extremely talented from the start and advanced quickly. Two years ago he began playing with a Grade I pipe band in the San Francisco area. I remember when I first heard him play with the new band, how amazingly good they were. My heart swelled, and does now while recalling the moment. I was so PROUD.  

I admire his ability to commit to the thing he loves, to work at it. Last fall he joined another Grade I band, Triumph Street, in Vancouver and has spent the summer there for the competition season. This band is now threatening to knock the SFU Pipe Band off it's pedestal. These are four time World Champions. And if this bragging is not enough then here's more. Justin competed in a quartet over the weekend and took first place! Against seasoned players who knew each other well and two SFU quartets! I don't know if proud is sufficient anymore.

This weekend Justin travels to Maxville, Ontario for the North American Championships. As much as I love my adventure I would love to be in Canada to see him play. I feel inspired by him and the life he is creating for himself. My next opportunity to see him play is in Glasgow in August 2009 for the World Championships.  It's is a long time to wait, but I think I can do it.

Why you....


Not an especially great photo, but it is an especially wonderful insult.

Song for You: Santogold


It has actually been summer weather here the last few days with the temperatures stretching towards 90°F. And don't complain, Utah, "Atleast it's not 120!!!!" (an exaggeration, I know).   Because this is not the desert and we have this thing called humidity.  Anyhow, my point is not the heat. My point is that the weather drives me to listen to summer fun music that I may not enjoy in the dead of winter as my grumpiness would have no patience for it. This particular song is one of those. Check out more of Santogold's music on their mySpace page. I recommend it, the entire album sounds different from this one track.

In the name of Dark Knight....

It seems as though no one can shut up about the newest Batman movie and I was so bummed when I learned that it would not be released in Germany until September. September! That is an unacceptable amount of time for me to wait. Forget me, there was no way Ryan could take two months of smugness from his friends in the states about it. Our solution to that problem, however, was Holland. Who gets to be smug now? We went to the Netherlands yesterday, and just to watch a movie. That's right. The Netherlands. For a movie. There is a super cheap ticket on the weekend for groups to travel by train so we armed ourselves with a Canadian couple and crossed the border.

The city of Enschede is rather dirty and I have jokingly have dubbed it Münster's Tijuana. It is only an hour, maybe, on the regional line and just one or two stops after the border. Many people will travel there just for the cheaper shopping. Really, it's the shopping they go for. *winks*  Our travel buddies are quite the little hippies so the visit would not have been complete without a visit to the coffee shop. I felt silly snapping photos in there so the above photo is the only one you're going to get. It was a rather funny experience. Show your ID at the door, go up to the counter, check out the menu (yes, menu) and order your pot from a friendly local.  This man, aside from pot dealer, was the neighborhood economist as well and I enjoying listening him rant to the Canadians about the American dollar and how the stupid Americans have brought it all on themselves.  He he he.  I love being an observer.  I also learned yesterday that pot is actually illegal in the Netherlands but never enforced. Hmmm... additionally, the corner shop sold fresh mushrooms. But if you want a beer in Holland? Forget about it....much harder to come by than in Germany. Seems as though I chose the right country to live in.
We had to make a pit stop in the supermarket because Ryan had a request from his roommates to return with cookies.  What cookies?  Didn't much matter, just cookies from a Dutch supermarket.  Any would do.  I was in love with the baskets.  They were deep and they rolled!  Pure.  Genius.  Making this stop post pot shop resulted in the purchasing of more cookies than anyone would need for a few months and Ryan's run in with the confused cashier turned into one of the most hilarious jokes of the trip.  I will stick to not smoking for now, it is amusing enough to just observe those that are high. 

Oh, and the movie? It was fantastic. You already knew that though, didn't you? It was dark, well written, and smartly cast (hooray for Maggie Gyllenhaal replacing Katie Holmes). I loved that we had reserved seating so there wasn't a worry about getting there early and saving seats. We were able to thoroughly enjoy the arcade until it was just time to start. There was an intermission (!) which I also loved. I would absolutely make the trip again for a movie.

The above is a little cheesy shot....OMG! It's so exciting to ride a TRAIN! We returned quite late and we were greeted by a wall of rain. Too tired to wait it out, I chose to bike home and was drenched.

Reasons to Party



To celebrate the three month anniversary of Ryan and I being in country Obama made a little pit stop in Germany to say, "Yo, what's up?" But he got lost on his way to Münster so went to Berlin instead. He he. He was greeted by 200,000+ spectators. Some 70% of Germans want Obama to be the next American President and his speech was therefore much anticipated. No television for me so I didn't catch it, but then YouTube has to be good for something, right?

And another reason to celebrate?  For those of you in Utah right now I say hip hip hooray for the Days of '47.  Happy Pioneer Day.  Hope ya'll are having a fabulous time with the fireworks and homemade rootbeer.  

Song for You: Sparks

Sparks is a duo of brothers who have been making music since the 1970's. Why oh why am I only discovering them now? And how to describe them? Their music has ranged from glam pop to electronic dance music to mainstream pop. Their sound, however, is distinct and quirky. I have been sitting here for thirty minutes debating on which song to share on this site and finally just had to close my eyes and point. This album is their newest release and is SO FUN! Their sound is not for everyone, but I say just give them a chance. So....keep reading the blog and listen to the song. Play it in the sidebar.

Return to the Pasture

A three week haitus from M, the little horse, left me a little worried. Would all the work and patience I put in over the last months be completely undone? Would I return only to be put through more yells and insults from a nasty five year old needing to "get used to me" again? Gratefully, however, this turned out to be a case of "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I was greeting by smiles and a giant hug and it was quickly declared that I was, in fact, liked even more than the last time I came around. To that I say, "Praise the____________!" Only once was she upset with me and told me that, since I wouldn't bring her a spoon, I would be only her second best friend, not first, and that I can live with.

week two


Another week is brought to a close and I am simultaneously pumped up and exhausted. Both Ryan and I got to have groups this week which was so refreshing. It was nice for the kids to take breaks together and it was nice for us to be able to plan some activities together. There were times I felt Ryan schooled me. I am fine with younger kids and I absolutely adore 11-14 year olds, but I am clueless about what to do with them. Ryan took his own approach and totally ruled the day. Alien autopsy's and hall of heroes. He worked his magic with face paint to create very realistic looking black eyes for each of his kids, always a fun way to send them home.... I appreciated being able to have Ryan there and see him playing and being creative. We both had, more or less, great kids.

My experience this time around is different from that of four years ago. I feel more aware and sensitive to the group dynamic, I feel more able to tap in to what needs to happen next. I had one girl who happened to be the oldest in the group and the most english under her belt, but she was super shy and not confident at all. As we made a show for parents today she had the most lines of anyone and she delivered them with strength and confidence. It took her three days but when it came time she pronounced "Mrs. Krump" perfectly. I enjoyed watching the transformation that occurred in her in just five short days. I loved watching the kids coming together to help out when another didn't understand. That is the focus that I feel is my strength, in building the confidence, in having fun, in opening ones eyes to possibility. I am happy that I can continue working with this program because those things are the main focus, rather than at a language school where I have to teach rules. Blech.

Happy Birthday Allie!


Why celebrate? Because today is Allison's birthday and she happens to be my NBFF. If you love me you must love Allison. That is law by the way. Why do I love her? Allison happens to be the first example in my life of fierce loyalty. We met in what I considered to be my "ugliest, most unlovable" time. She moved in swiftly and quietly. I thought that she would just go away soon enough but she didn't budge. Suddenly I was trusting her with the darkest and scariest parts of myself, telling her things I could hardly admit to myself and she was always gentle and understanding. I never felt judged. To this day I do not feel judged.

Allison has gone from a volunteer, to an EMT, to a student, to a doctor in the time I have known her. What I appreciate is her ability to focus on what she wants and that she goes for it. She is strong and such a good example of being face-to-face with fear and choosing to move through it. I have seen her face so many "obstacles" through the years that she has overcome. She now owns a home, is starting her residency, and has been happily married for three years.

For Allie....thank you for the beauty and love we have shared. Who would I be without you? I have no interest in finding out.

ABC



While still in Salt Lake I set out on a mission to photograph the entire alphabet using signs only of distinctly Salt Lake establishments. I ended up getting distracted by something else and never finished but have started it up again here in Münster. I really enjoy these photos, I don't know what it is about them that is so wonderful, but I have an entire set at Flickr dedicated to them and so far there are 36. Then today I stumbled about this site where you can type in a word it will be spelled out the using letter photos from Flickr. To that I say:

S W e-sf2 E T 

Update on the Skwank...



Love to the Bunz!  I heard Mary finally got into surgery an hour ago.  While I doze off to sleep I am gathering all the love I can muster and sending gently and swiftly her way.  Free Skwanky!

Free Skwanky Tui!

As I previously posted my good friend Mary found out she has a tumor and she will be going in tomorrow morning for surgery to remove it. If you don't know Mary then you don't know what a complete riot she is.  She received the news from the doctor and then....

"You talkin' to me?" Tebbs had replied, looking around the room for clarification. An MRI brain scan the next morning exposed a tumor the size of a ping pong ball growing on her pituitary gland. The tumor had compressed and stretched the optic nerve, resulting in the narrowing line of vision.

In keeping with her tradition of playing easefully with her life, Tebbs opted to interview the tumor. Tebbs shared, "He's definitely male and he looks like a kiwi. He's from the hood yo, a gangsta and a pranksta here to mess with my head. He goes by the name Skwanky Tui on account of he's livin' on my pituitary gland."


I admire Mary for her ability to take a situation that could potentially launch one into a downward spiral of fear and make it a situation where she can play and learn. In the end it is this attitude that will help her heal faster and more easefully. The above is an excerpt from an article written by Angie. See the full length version here, you won't regret.

Find out more by visiting Free Skwanky Tui! where you can get updates on the road to recovery and donate to the cause of freeing Skwanky.

A Song for You: Walk the Line


I have so much new music flowing through my random playlist that I love. My list for music to share with you is growing too fast. So here is a little fast fun diddy from Dani Siciliano. Go visit her website or myspace.

again and again with community....

Yesterday was a day of mixed emotion. What continues to come up for me day after day is my want and need for communication because without it I can't have the community I want. I have spent the greater part of my life keeping people at a distance and it has only been in the last three years that I have shifted that in a big way. In that time I learned to trust myself, listen to what I was feeling, and share that with others. As a result I have built a really beautiful and loving foundation with family and friends. I have been challenged since arriving here by being so far separated from that, an experience I haven't had before because I never truly let people close. Each day I wake and crave that connection with the outer world and I feel scared. In a way I feel like the flight over here took me back three years in time.

Yesterday I started off elated. I am doing some super fun and creative work with Karen to get her websites up and going. I am feeling creative energy rush through me. I opened my email in the morning to get lovely feedback on the work that I have done, then got an email with a link to this video that left me in tears:



That is how I want to feel! Beautiful, loving, creative connection. This feeling was backed up when hopping over to Angie's blog. A fellow life skiller and an aquaintance was given a week to live and after hearing this news she decided to have a big party to celebrate life and the people in it. This video was made by Angie:



Thank you for sharing this Angie. I watched this and, still crying, asked myself, "Are you homesick?" The answer is.....yes. If my heart is with these people and these feelings then yes I am. I miss my people and feel afraid that I am unable to create that here. I also have to remember that it took me twenty five years to create the community I have in Salt lake so I should maybe cut myself some slack since I have been here less than three months. But aside from home sick I felt peace and warmth inside. I feel so happy knowing that the I am a part of the beauty I see in that video.

Going back to my creative work I received a rushed email from Karen saying she was taking a close friend to have an MRI because she may have a brain tumor.....as I write it even now my heart jumps to my throat and the empty space left in my chest is buzzing. I had a chance later in the day to briefly chat with her and hear the news. She goes in on Monday to have a tumor removed. I don't know anything beyond that. I feel afraid. I feel sad. I wonder what part of this is for me and what part is for my friend. I want her to know I love her but words seem so inadequate, as if they lose potency over the distance they have to travel. Mary is a beautiful gift to this world and a blessing in my life. And I have her in my heart now. Please send thoughtful and healing energy to her.

So I am seeing the theme from yesterday, you? Through all of this I am seeing how much I have to cherish in my life. I see all that Matt, with his dancing, Maret, with her celebrating, and Mary inspire in other people. And it is the connection with those other people that seem to make all this worth it. They all inspire me to lead into life with an open heart.

Official


I spent a better part of this weekend over the worry over whether or not I would be granted a visa to live and work here. Had the answer been no I would have to leave after July 23rd. I am relieved to report, however, that after two days of running around and just a 50 Euro fee I am all official. It is much easier to get a visa here than in the US. No mailing paperwork all over the country or paying thousands of dollars. In fact you can go to your local Foreign Office, which just happens to be a 5 minute walk from my doorstep, and with the appropriate paperwork have a visa in your hands in an hour or less. What a relief.

Creative Play

After my last post I had a chat with Karen who was like, WHAT?!? Apparently I sort of left it hanging, being unclear about what exactly I am excited about doing with my life. So I can just say this, after three months of no steady work I was ready for a week at Jump In. The regularity of a week schedule was refreshing, the challenge of coming up with something for each day was exciting. Mostly the week was a reminder that I want whatever I am doing to be creative and playful. After sitting around for three months I have become less than that so the week was a little kick in the butt to get in gear. Do I have any specific plans? No. But I at least now feel inspired to do something and I want that something to be creatively fun.

With that said Ryan and I finished a little creative project last night that was totally fun and it looks something like this:

Jump In!


Friday marked the end of week one for Jump In summer camp. I only had five children which could have been a disaster but ended up being perfect for me. It was a more relaxed version of what is to come and I got to break myself in for the coming weeks. A lot of my time recently has been spent sitting around and it was refreshing to spend the week in creative play. It also woke me up to what I want to be doing with my life and how I want to spend my time here. It isn't enough to just move to another city and I feel excited about the prospect of doing something different.

A Song for You: Lessons Learned


While still living is Salt Lake I never had a chance to see this band and they even played with Daniel Johnston at Kilby Court a few weeks before I left. Damn! Then I bought their album a few weeks ago and I am kicking myself. The Band of Annuals is Alt Country but I get the sense that you need not be a fan of this genre to fully enjoy and appreciate the music. The album is solid, beginning to end.

BOA Site
BOA Blog
BOA MySpace

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