I talked with my mom yesterday (hi mom) and she said to me that she feels like, when reading my blog then talking with me, there are two people in Germany having two different experiences. In my blog I am reporting what a fabulous and wonderful journey this is, and I then relay all the "dark" stuff in our phone calls. I will say that I am selective at times at what I will and will not include in my blog as I don't know how broad or narrow my audience is. But first and foremost I keep this site to let all the people I love know what's up in my world. Therefore I don't want to hide or only share parts of myself and my experience. My relationships are based in truth and revealing and I want that to be reflected in what I write here. Not only the "good parts" version, but the honest version.
So let's start with this. Each person I encounter and experience I have here is cherished. Every day I learn more than I could imagine. Not only about Germany and the people here, but about myself. About what I am capable of and what I want. I wander in wonder and try to remain open to all that is presented to me.
There is also this.....my time here so far has been difficult and scary and sometimes I find myself thinking that I just want to go home. I fear many things, among them being that I will be unable to create a community, to do work that I really enjoy, to travel and visit, and to learn all that I want to. I also fear that coming here is only stalling whatever my future holds.
The worry, the fear, the doubt...it all stems from the past. I recognize and appreciate it for what it is. I hold it dear and realize that it is there to teach me. Having the knowledge that I get to choose my life is empowering. What I do here and what I experience is up to me. Yes, I feel afraid. Yes, I have been dwelling often in that fear. I have also chosen to rise up and face that fear. I believe and will continue to declare that this may be the best choice I could have made for myself and the timing for this change is perfect for me. I am on the brink of change, of transformation. Is it not said that it is always darkest before the dawn.
My intention is to follow what my body and heart is telling me. I commit to be open and truthful about my experiences. Sometimes exciting, sometimes frightening, but always revealing. Thank you for joining me on this journey.
4 comments:
Somewhere in this post I smell the distinct whiff of bullshit. What else is bothering you? Do the Krauts find you tiresome? Do you hate the food?
The problems you outline are very broad, very noble problems. But you know, is that the kind of shit that REALLY gets us down? I don't think so. I think you might be having a bit of a problem getting laid over there.
It moves me to read where you are on your journey. I sometimes struggle with how much raw truth I want to put on my blog. When I lay myself out there... people show up who's buttons get pushed by what I have revealed....Hmmm? I was triggered the first time that happened and then a dear friend and author told me....when you get a rise out of someone, it often means you are becoming a catalyst for change (in yourself and -if the triggered wants to take the toss- in them too). Good on you for revealing!
Thanks, K. This is precisely the thought that hopped into my head although I couldn't find a way to express it.
i hear ya. feeling the same way about nyc. establishing a group of friends even close to the wonderful bunch I had in SLC seems insurmountable some days... yet, we soldier on...
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