and then?

I just hopped on over to my friend Angie's blog where she asked, "Now what?" and this is the exact question that has been swimming through my mind lately, distracting me from being present. Rather, it is more likely that I am not present because I am not seriously considering the question. And without some sort of answer I am unable to move forward. This move was something I have considered since I was twenty. Last September (nearly a year ago!) I sat with Justin and declared my commitment to make the move. Six months later I hopped on the plane and it is now mid August and I often find myself asking "now what?".    All this build up and no plan. What am I doing here again?

In no way do I think this move was in vain. Quite opposite, it may be one of the best decisions of my life. Not because there are great career choices or mega money to be made, but I feel like, if I am open to them, some of my biggest lessons will be learned here. But my mind is constantly buzzing with questions and worry. Some of my current internal dialogue:

• Am I wasting my time?
  
• I don't think I can find friends that I really like.
  
• When I get back to Salt Lake I am going to......
  
• I don't want to just work.
  
• When am I going to feel like I am home?
  
• It would be wonderful if I could just talk to __________ right now.
  
• When's the next dance night at the W?

Much of the internal talk is futurized and I realize how unproductive that is. And all of it is based in fear. But I know from experience that fear is one of my biggest teachers so with this much fear I can only assume I will be learning the Biggest lessons.  The true question is, "What do I want in this moment?"  In this moment I commit to shift from living in tomorrow and asking what I want today.  I am here and I get to make this look however I want it too.  I feel excited that I am given a clean slate here, to create what I want and I feel tentative about the amount of fear that will continue to arise in that process.

Today I stepped away from the computer, where I can remain attached to home through emails, blogs and facebook, and took myself to a quiet spot along the water.  Watching barges, bikers and joggers, and enjoying the quiet moments between each.  It was a small gesture but it was the way that I was able to connect with the present and to land again within myself.  Once laying in the sun it didn't take long for my body to fall into a restful sleep.  What a wonderful reminder that, when I am mindful, my body will let me know what it needs and I will be more open to know what my soul needs.  It seems that the answer to "now what" is, for me, NOW.