Yesterday was a day of mixed emotion. What continues to come up for me day after day is my want and need for communication because without it I can't have the community I want. I have spent the greater part of my life keeping people at a distance and it has only been in the last three years that I have shifted that in a big way. In that time I learned to trust myself, listen to what I was feeling, and share that with others. As a result I have built a really beautiful and loving foundation with family and friends. I have been challenged since arriving here by being so far separated from that, an experience I haven't had before because I never truly let people close. Each day I wake and crave that connection with the outer world and I feel scared. In a way I feel like the flight over here took me back three years in time.
Yesterday I started off elated. I am doing some super fun and creative work with Karen to get her websites up and going. I am feeling creative energy rush through me. I opened my email in the morning to get lovely feedback on the work that I have done, then got an email with a link to this video that left me in tears:
That is how I want to feel! Beautiful, loving, creative connection. This feeling was backed up when hopping over to Angie's blog. A fellow life skiller and an aquaintance was given a week to live and after hearing this news she decided to have a big party to celebrate life and the people in it. This video was made by Angie:
Thank you for sharing this Angie. I watched this and, still crying, asked myself, "Are you homesick?" The answer is.....yes. If my heart is with these people and these feelings then yes I am. I miss my people and feel afraid that I am unable to create that here. I also have to remember that it took me twenty five years to create the community I have in Salt lake so I should maybe cut myself some slack since I have been here less than three months. But aside from home sick I felt peace and warmth inside. I feel so happy knowing that the I am a part of the beauty I see in that video.
Going back to my creative work I received a rushed email from Karen saying she was taking a close friend to have an MRI because she may have a brain tumor.....as I write it even now my heart jumps to my throat and the empty space left in my chest is buzzing. I had a chance later in the day to briefly chat with her and hear the news. She goes in on Monday to have a tumor removed. I don't know anything beyond that. I feel afraid. I feel sad. I wonder what part of this is for me and what part is for my friend. I want her to know I love her but words seem so inadequate, as if they lose potency over the distance they have to travel. Mary is a beautiful gift to this world and a blessing in my life. And I have her in my heart now. Please send thoughtful and healing energy to her.
So I am seeing the theme from yesterday, you? Through all of this I am seeing how much I have to cherish in my life. I see all that Matt, with his dancing, Maret, with her celebrating, and Mary inspire in other people. And it is the connection with those other people that seem to make all this worth it. They all inspire me to lead into life with an open heart.
4 comments:
Good morning dear friend. Thank YOU for the joyful video you shared. It touches me in a special way that movement often does. I want to tell you that although so much is happening here in Salt Lake City with our friends...so much good is coming from it. In a VERY strange way it is exciting to see how many people are choosing LIFE and LOVE through these experiences. It is AMAZING! You are included in that!
Yesterday a man, Pete, came to me (bby universal accident/ dvine appointment) to tell me of his new venture GARLACTICA 2008! He owns a farm in Eden, Utah (how fitting). He is throwing a Garlic festival (yes BIG "G"... he LOVES garlic). Anyway... he brought enough vegetables to feed 10 people to my house. As we were talking about how we were meant to work together....he said he wanted to use food from his garden (acres big) to feed the people I've been working with who have cancer, weight issues...He said his food is made with love (very true) and that + my love when making it + their willingness to heal is miraculous combination! SO much more was said and not....quiet and smiles spoke volumes.
I say all this to say Amanda, that tough times are here...as are the gems. You are one of the gems in my life. I believe your gifts and talents are gems to many. Wonderful things are happening all the time....as our hearts stay open...we find ourselves in the middle of it all. Love to you my dear friend. Thank you for the video which reminds me that no matter where in the world we are....we are always together in dance and love.
Hey Amanda-
I am sorry that you are feeling so homesick and I am sorry that I am not able to stay in touch with you as often as I would like to. I wanted you to know that I love you and miss having you around, but I also understand that going to Germany was something that you had dreamed about for a long time. So even though I miss you, I admire you ability to create the things that you want. I hope that everything falls into place again for you, and I hope that you know that even if you don't hear from me all of the time, it doesn't mean that I have forgotten about you.
Love,
Chelsee
I love you, my sweet Amanda.
Wherever you are, Sweet Friend, you are in my heart. Always.
Love you.
Angie
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