Illness and Sadness
Last weekend was spent with a bittersweet visit to Helper, Utah, where my granmother lives and my mom was raised. The day after Thanksgiving we found out that her entire body is filled with cancer. I feel sad. I feel happy that I was able to see her and to support my mom. And it was nice to spend some time in the town I often played in as a child.
Honored
Allisons younger sister, Chelsee, called me yesterday wanting to know if she could photograph me. She is taking photography courses and is very talented. It was for a project in her class, photographing successful women. I feel honored to be viewed as successful as I feel like I am constantly trying to discover myself, who I am, who I want to be. That someone sees me as "arrived" so to speak is flattering. It also helped me to pause and look at my life. Chelsee asked me, "If there was a picture of you being successful, what would it be of?" Aack! What, specifically, do I see myself succesful in?
My answers... I feel lucky to say that I genuinely love my life. I do "work" that I enjoy. I have supportive friends and family and a lot of love in my life. I have a wonderful and honest relationship. I can move my body beautifully. I get to help raise an amazing boy and judge that I am good at it. I know what I am good at. I follow my heart.
These are three of the pictures that she has posted for me to see....the successful B.
Celebration with Hat(z) and the Girls
Saturday night was spent with some of my most creatively spontaneous and outrageous friends. Thank you all. I always appreciate the amount of fun and play that happens in your company. Playgirl posing, hip hop dancing, makeup application and more....as if there could more.
Rewind:Tuesday
So often in this world I feel helpless, without a voice. Or a voice not "significant enough" to be heard or to make a difference. Each day I listen to the news and feel like the kind of world I am interested in living in is doomed. We are so far down the rabbit hole that returning home or to at least some sort of normalcy seems improbable.
With that said, I love election day. Love. It. Voting always leaves me feeling empowered and hopeful in the larger world community. Although that feeling often fades rapidly, especially in Utah where the political climate is often grim for those with my views. Despite my candidates or causes not always coming out with the "win" I appreciate that people are willing to give the voice they are given in the process. Simply saying my piece, to the universe and the voting powers that be, is exciting. Knowing that I have asked the universe for what I want. Knowing and asking for what I want always seems to be the hardest part for me. I finally took of my "I Voted" sticker today, only because it was falling off. Tuesday....a day I was proud to be where I am at.
With that said, I love election day. Love. It. Voting always leaves me feeling empowered and hopeful in the larger world community. Although that feeling often fades rapidly, especially in Utah where the political climate is often grim for those with my views. Despite my candidates or causes not always coming out with the "win" I appreciate that people are willing to give the voice they are given in the process. Simply saying my piece, to the universe and the voting powers that be, is exciting. Knowing that I have asked the universe for what I want. Knowing and asking for what I want always seems to be the hardest part for me. I finally took of my "I Voted" sticker today, only because it was falling off. Tuesday....a day I was proud to be where I am at.
Luxuriating in the Warmth of Autumn
I am loving this extended autumn we are having. Wearing a light jacket a week into November virtually unheard of. While I know how this is a reflection of the current state of our world’s environment, I can’t help but bask in the warmth and beauty of this season. My camera loves fall also. Below are some pictures taken over the last month on various walks through the Avenues and Memory Grove.
How This B Started Her Week
I am a genius. Really.
I decided Sunday that I wanted my eyebrows waxed, which isn't a thought that generally enters my mind. But the thought was insistent when suddenly I thought Kura Door! and immediately made an appointment. For the price of any other eyebrow waxing in town I had the most relaxing morning. Arriving a good twenty minutes early, given my robe and sandals, and entering the quiet sanctuary that is their waiting room. Teas, infused waters, almonds and apricots before, eucalyptus sauna after. The best way to start a work week.
Best.
Ever.
Oh, and my eyebrows look pretty.
I decided Sunday that I wanted my eyebrows waxed, which isn't a thought that generally enters my mind. But the thought was insistent when suddenly I thought Kura Door! and immediately made an appointment. For the price of any other eyebrow waxing in town I had the most relaxing morning. Arriving a good twenty minutes early, given my robe and sandals, and entering the quiet sanctuary that is their waiting room. Teas, infused waters, almonds and apricots before, eucalyptus sauna after. The best way to start a work week.
Best.
Ever.
Oh, and my eyebrows look pretty.
Newborns
I feel like I have just given birth twice over the last two weekends. And as any new mother I am both exhausted from the birthing process, and excited to see what these babies are about. Excited to love and nourish them, watch them grow and see what they will develop into.
First came the baby one month overdue and fat from too much time spent in the womb. After a ten month rehearsal process (!) I participated in the first ever performance at a brand spankin' new space called The Sugar Space. This was by far the longest I have ever rehearsed, especially considering the size of the show. Forty-five minutes in length with just two pieces to show. Being in 85% of the show wasn't saying much. I looked forward to opening (and closing) nights with both excitement and unease. I had the opportunity to work with an artist just transplanted from New York and danced with some of my favorite dancers in this city. All loving and talented people, really, it was my interactions with them that got me through the long process. The choreographer being very meticulous and detail oriented, from day one, often frustrated me to the point of exhaustion. Being kinesthetic in my learning, I need an opportunity to do movement over, over, and over again to feel like I have any kind of body understanding at all. I didn't have much opportunity to do that. Ever. Not until dress rehearsal when we could run through the entire show without stopping for notes and corrections.
So this baby...what is she about? One of the greatest lessons borne from this experience was getting a very clear understanding about how I work and how I want to work. That I am far more interested in process than product. For me it was much less about what it looked like and more about what it felt like. Thinking about what I want for my future has always been a dizzying thought. I am unable to make any kind of vision of what that looks like, of what I am "going to be when I grow up." Life has been much more easeful since focusing more on the qualities I want my life to have and culitivating those on a daily basis, everything else unfolds without a thought.
Baby number two came one week later. A nine month course I took culminated in the greatest graduation ceremony I could ever imagine experiencing. Everything was perfectly in place, including a 75 mile detour through Preston, Idaho where I saw my first ever moon rainbow. Funny enough, part of our graduation was a re-birthing process. Emerging from nine months of learning I opened my eyes and was surrounded by love. Or LOVE, actually. There is not much that I can say to describe the weekend to anyone who didn't experience it other than to say this: Imagine 22 people in a room focusing pure and loving attention on one person at one time. Imagine everyone in that room receiving that kind of attention at one moment. Feeling drunk for a good few days after coming home I feel I am just now recovering.
What is this ripe little newborn here to teach me? That am a container that can hold THAT MUCH love. That I am worthy of that much love. That I am a power, a force in this world destined to do huge things that impact others. That sometimes I am special. Everything I have been focused on learning the last nine months clicked for me. I got it. I get it.
These two little newborns are still so vulnerable and sweet. I intend to give them loving attention so that they can grow into very healthy and beautiful beings inside me.
First came the baby one month overdue and fat from too much time spent in the womb. After a ten month rehearsal process (!) I participated in the first ever performance at a brand spankin' new space called The Sugar Space. This was by far the longest I have ever rehearsed, especially considering the size of the show. Forty-five minutes in length with just two pieces to show. Being in 85% of the show wasn't saying much. I looked forward to opening (and closing) nights with both excitement and unease. I had the opportunity to work with an artist just transplanted from New York and danced with some of my favorite dancers in this city. All loving and talented people, really, it was my interactions with them that got me through the long process. The choreographer being very meticulous and detail oriented, from day one, often frustrated me to the point of exhaustion. Being kinesthetic in my learning, I need an opportunity to do movement over, over, and over again to feel like I have any kind of body understanding at all. I didn't have much opportunity to do that. Ever. Not until dress rehearsal when we could run through the entire show without stopping for notes and corrections.
So this baby...what is she about? One of the greatest lessons borne from this experience was getting a very clear understanding about how I work and how I want to work. That I am far more interested in process than product. For me it was much less about what it looked like and more about what it felt like. Thinking about what I want for my future has always been a dizzying thought. I am unable to make any kind of vision of what that looks like, of what I am "going to be when I grow up." Life has been much more easeful since focusing more on the qualities I want my life to have and culitivating those on a daily basis, everything else unfolds without a thought.
Baby number two came one week later. A nine month course I took culminated in the greatest graduation ceremony I could ever imagine experiencing. Everything was perfectly in place, including a 75 mile detour through Preston, Idaho where I saw my first ever moon rainbow. Funny enough, part of our graduation was a re-birthing process. Emerging from nine months of learning I opened my eyes and was surrounded by love. Or LOVE, actually. There is not much that I can say to describe the weekend to anyone who didn't experience it other than to say this: Imagine 22 people in a room focusing pure and loving attention on one person at one time. Imagine everyone in that room receiving that kind of attention at one moment. Feeling drunk for a good few days after coming home I feel I am just now recovering.
What is this ripe little newborn here to teach me? That am a container that can hold THAT MUCH love. That I am worthy of that much love. That I am a power, a force in this world destined to do huge things that impact others. That sometimes I am special. Everything I have been focused on learning the last nine months clicked for me. I got it. I get it.
These two little newborns are still so vulnerable and sweet. I intend to give them loving attention so that they can grow into very healthy and beautiful beings inside me.
Welcome
I was talked into a MySpace page a little over a year ago and, while it was fun for a while, I have become bored with it. I still occasionally cyber stalk, trying to reconnect with those friends gone long unseen and love it for finding new music. Really, one of my favorite aspects is the blog, so I decided to start this one so I can leave MySpace in MyPast, where it probably belongs. So this is my more personal blog while I will also keep updating my business and crafty blog, GUT.
Adventure on the Range-Repost
This post is originally from October 7th that was on my myspace page, something I am trying to distance myself from.....
I spent a good portion of my day on a shooting range. Not a place I ever imagined hanging out, the day turned out to be more enjoyable than I was convincing myself it would be. Life is all about perception and attitude, right? I didn't shoot at all, don't know if I ever will. A big part of that is fear. What if I like it? I am afraid of that form of "power". Guns can be such a scary thing. Anyhow......how I feel about guns, and my views about them could be one huge blog by itself. The point is that I had a wonderful time.
The range was at Browning in Mountain Green, just east of Ogden. It was so beautiful up there. Just chilly enough for my favorite sweatshirt, scarf, and new belt by Teresa Flowers. Her name is "Giraffe Girl".
We started off the day with two games/drills called skeet and trap. I got to push the buttons on the thrower to release the clay pigeons. Fun actually. I got most excited when one was hit and four pieces when flying in all different directions. I kept trying to get a photo of it, but I could never follow it fast enough nor zoom in enough to make a difference.
Next we headed over to the range and shot rifles. Well, I observed the boys shooting rifles. Again, disturbingly enjoyable. Starting off with AK-47, then a German WWII gun called a Mauser (I am guessing on the spelling, please forgive if I am wrong). I really liked some of the details of wood and metal so took these pictures:
After a while I did zone out a bit, no longer having the job of launching the clay pigeons, so started geeking out and took some silly photos, here are three:
When all was said and done we spent at least three hours out there. The air was fresh and we were well below the snow line. Looking at the mountains and seeing the contrast of red leaves through white snow was enough to justify the trip. Not to mention that I got to spend some time with Ryan this weekend and his brother. I love glimpsing into his life. I smile.
My fave of Ryan and Todd:
Oh! And I adopted a sexy new look:
Here are a few more from the day. The 200 yard mark:
Who throws away a deer head?
Uh, High Voltage!
Best for last:
I spent a good portion of my day on a shooting range. Not a place I ever imagined hanging out, the day turned out to be more enjoyable than I was convincing myself it would be. Life is all about perception and attitude, right? I didn't shoot at all, don't know if I ever will. A big part of that is fear. What if I like it? I am afraid of that form of "power". Guns can be such a scary thing. Anyhow......how I feel about guns, and my views about them could be one huge blog by itself. The point is that I had a wonderful time.
The range was at Browning in Mountain Green, just east of Ogden. It was so beautiful up there. Just chilly enough for my favorite sweatshirt, scarf, and new belt by Teresa Flowers. Her name is "Giraffe Girl".
We started off the day with two games/drills called skeet and trap. I got to push the buttons on the thrower to release the clay pigeons. Fun actually. I got most excited when one was hit and four pieces when flying in all different directions. I kept trying to get a photo of it, but I could never follow it fast enough nor zoom in enough to make a difference.
Next we headed over to the range and shot rifles. Well, I observed the boys shooting rifles. Again, disturbingly enjoyable. Starting off with AK-47, then a German WWII gun called a Mauser (I am guessing on the spelling, please forgive if I am wrong). I really liked some of the details of wood and metal so took these pictures:
After a while I did zone out a bit, no longer having the job of launching the clay pigeons, so started geeking out and took some silly photos, here are three:
When all was said and done we spent at least three hours out there. The air was fresh and we were well below the snow line. Looking at the mountains and seeing the contrast of red leaves through white snow was enough to justify the trip. Not to mention that I got to spend some time with Ryan this weekend and his brother. I love glimpsing into his life. I smile.
My fave of Ryan and Todd:
Oh! And I adopted a sexy new look:
Here are a few more from the day. The 200 yard mark:
Who throws away a deer head?
Uh, High Voltage!
Best for last:
Who's B?
B is me, Amanda Howland, liver and lover of life extraordinare. At twenty-seven I decided it was time to leave the one place I had known as home for an adventure and challenge in Münster, Germany. When asked why I moved the only answer that fits is, "because I wanted to." For nearly ten years I dreamed of moving here and for no obvious reasons at all. And it took me some time, but eventually I learned to follow impulses of the heart. So I gathered up my guts, sold nearly all earthly belongings, and stuffed the rest into a backpack and suitcase. This adventure has been both more exciting and more difficult than I could have ever imagined. I am redefining, or maybe just beginning to define, what coming home means to me.
The adventures of my life and the people I meet along the way. Observations, maybe even a judgement or two at times. Inspirations... from movement, music, objects, images and more. The big and small learnings that come with change. A little hodge podge of all those elements that make up a life of B.
I am hoping to use this blog, not just to keep in touch with the family and friends of my past, but to establish and grow a community of like minded creative and conscious people.
What does a B do?
I dance, bake, create, ride my bike and lay in the park for my spirit. I also enjoy asking important questions.
I dance, bake, create, ride my bike and lay in the park for my spirit. I also enjoy asking important questions.
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