and then?

I just hopped on over to my friend Angie's blog where she asked, "Now what?" and this is the exact question that has been swimming through my mind lately, distracting me from being present. Rather, it is more likely that I am not present because I am not seriously considering the question. And without some sort of answer I am unable to move forward. This move was something I have considered since I was twenty. Last September (nearly a year ago!) I sat with Justin and declared my commitment to make the move. Six months later I hopped on the plane and it is now mid August and I often find myself asking "now what?".    All this build up and no plan. What am I doing here again?

In no way do I think this move was in vain. Quite opposite, it may be one of the best decisions of my life. Not because there are great career choices or mega money to be made, but I feel like, if I am open to them, some of my biggest lessons will be learned here. But my mind is constantly buzzing with questions and worry. Some of my current internal dialogue:

• Am I wasting my time?
  
• I don't think I can find friends that I really like.
  
• When I get back to Salt Lake I am going to......
  
• I don't want to just work.
  
• When am I going to feel like I am home?
  
• It would be wonderful if I could just talk to __________ right now.
  
• When's the next dance night at the W?

Much of the internal talk is futurized and I realize how unproductive that is. And all of it is based in fear. But I know from experience that fear is one of my biggest teachers so with this much fear I can only assume I will be learning the Biggest lessons.  The true question is, "What do I want in this moment?"  In this moment I commit to shift from living in tomorrow and asking what I want today.  I am here and I get to make this look however I want it too.  I feel excited that I am given a clean slate here, to create what I want and I feel tentative about the amount of fear that will continue to arise in that process.

Today I stepped away from the computer, where I can remain attached to home through emails, blogs and facebook, and took myself to a quiet spot along the water.  Watching barges, bikers and joggers, and enjoying the quiet moments between each.  It was a small gesture but it was the way that I was able to connect with the present and to land again within myself.  Once laying in the sun it didn't take long for my body to fall into a restful sleep.  What a wonderful reminder that, when I am mindful, my body will let me know what it needs and I will be more open to know what my soul needs.  It seems that the answer to "now what" is, for me, NOW.

Song for You: Roisin Murphy

This is Roisin Murphy's second solo release after many successful albums under Moloko. I just can't help but love her.

because it's just so overwhelmingly exciting....

I will post for the third time today.  The one sport I would really love to watch is women's gymnastics this year, but the time difference and lack of television just won't allow it.  One reason to celebrate already:  This U of U gymnast is competing on the German National Team in Beijing.  How cool is that?!?!  I am so excited!

Red Love in the Country....

To relay simply what happened this weekend is just not sufficient. Here is a moment where I find myself wishing I had the ability to write in a way that transported you into the experiences I just had. But alas, I am not so talented. So I will say this....
This weekend was nothing if not absolufantamormagical. After work on friday Ryan and I escaped by train to a small village about 45 minutes outside of Münster to attend the party of a friend's parents. Upon arriving at the train station we were greeted by two friends clad head to toe in red; Jessica with some saucy red ankle boots and Mitja in a horizontal striped number we later learned were a pair of Oma's (his grandmothers) old PJ's.The party was at Mitja's parents home and, while I understood we were going into the country, and that he was raised in a small village, I in no way expected what I saw. We pulled in down a drive and into a courtyard. On one side was a barn were the festivities were being held, at the head was the huge home, or country manor, rather, that was built in 1840, and on the third side was another much larger barn attached to a 700+ year old tower. Mitja, apparently, is farm royalty or so he was deemed Prince Busch for the remainder of the weekend.

As party's go this one ranked right up there with the best I have attended. Each of the 120 or so guests brought food to share, there was beer flowing all night (the kegs ran out around 3 am then they broke out the bottles), there were glorious costumes, terrible music choices (which makes those Germans somehow endearing), and we were partying in a BARN. I think I lasted until 3:30 but I know I heard people sneaking in around 6:30-7 a.m.

We ended up staying, and being warmly welcomed, for the remainder of the weekend. We spent the time exploring the buildings on the grounds, watching the animals, playing games of ping pong and ultimate frisbee, walking in the countryside, sleeping, and eating Oma's fantastic strawberry jam. The hospitality of Mitja's family stretched well beyond measure as they kindly hosted not just Ryan and I but the Canadians and a slew of other friends from Hamburg. They sat around with us and told stories and kindly invited us to return for a visit.
I appreciated the weekend for many reasons. Mostly, I have noticed my tendency to slide again into the daily grind, worrying only about the job and what must be done, often at the expense of what I really need. What a wonderful opportunity, then, to have no option but to stop and listen. To observe and be unconcerned with what will happen in the next hour. To fully enjoy each moment. And each moment in the weekend was well beyond full.

Want to see photos of the grounds and inside a few of the buildings? Just go here for more.

the important things....

Some days the job is just too easy. This was the visual I used to teach a little germ about the little things in life that make it all so wonderful...and yes, not Conor, Sean, Kieran, or Ian. Oh no, Trevor. And why you ask, dear reader. Because after weaving my fantastical story that's as close to Ireland as I could get. Sheesh. But just take a look at those trousers. Nearly flashy enough to do Sir Flately proud.

A Song for You: Birthday

After a fantastic weekend in the country (more on that later) I am bringing it down a little. Enjoy this little ditty by The Everybodyfields then go check out the album.

What makes my bike hotter than yours?

tearful face and wide open heart....

This is a prettier and more presentable version of me after reading a quick email update from my friend/former employer/mother to the little boy in my heart.  In it she revealed that Gabe was looking at photos of Ryan and I and then requested that we hold him.  I am typing this between gasps for air, wiping away of tears, and taking care of the nose.  

Dear Gabe, 

I love and miss you dearly.  You have are one of my greatest teachers and greatest friends and  I love you simply for existing.  I adore your inquisitiveness, creativity, playfulness, and sweet, sweet nature.  My life is infinitely fuller and I am wiser for having known you.  Because of our friendship I have the ability to love bigger and more honestly than ever before.   As I write this now I am holding you in my arms and giving you a big squeeeeeze and each afternoon I ache to steal away just one cuddly nap.  

Love, 

Manda

drumroll please.....

Justin, my brother for those of you that don't know, has been playing the bagpipes for the past 12 or so years. We are still unsure where he got the idea to start at the age of ten, but it turned out to be a huge part of him. He was extremely talented from the start and advanced quickly. Two years ago he began playing with a Grade I pipe band in the San Francisco area. I remember when I first heard him play with the new band, how amazingly good they were. My heart swelled, and does now while recalling the moment. I was so PROUD.  

I admire his ability to commit to the thing he loves, to work at it. Last fall he joined another Grade I band, Triumph Street, in Vancouver and has spent the summer there for the competition season. This band is now threatening to knock the SFU Pipe Band off it's pedestal. These are four time World Champions. And if this bragging is not enough then here's more. Justin competed in a quartet over the weekend and took first place! Against seasoned players who knew each other well and two SFU quartets! I don't know if proud is sufficient anymore.

This weekend Justin travels to Maxville, Ontario for the North American Championships. As much as I love my adventure I would love to be in Canada to see him play. I feel inspired by him and the life he is creating for himself. My next opportunity to see him play is in Glasgow in August 2009 for the World Championships.  It's is a long time to wait, but I think I can do it.

Why you....

Not an especially great photo, but it is an especially wonderful insult.

Song for You: Santogold

It has actually been summer weather here the last few days with the temperatures stretching towards 90°F. And don't complain, Utah, "Atleast it's not 120!!!!" (an exaggeration, I know).   Because this is not the desert and we have this thing called humidity.  Anyhow, my point is not the heat. My point is that the weather drives me to listen to summer fun music that I may not enjoy in the dead of winter as my grumpiness would have no patience for it. This particular song is one of those. Check out more of Santogold's music on their mySpace page. I recommend it, the entire album sounds different from this one track.